Clueless
by Bugsie70
Summary: Commander Shepard seeks help with sniper rifle training and Garrus and Thane are enlisted as tutors.  However, unbeknownst to them, she has a some mischievous amusement planned at their expense.
1. Chapter 1

This little story came about after a discussion with a good friend of mine, a scientific editor, about how to say things without really saying them. This is my first T rated masskink piece, nothing untoward other than as many double entendres and euphemisms as I could possibly squeeze into such a short story.

I'd like to make special thanks to Sialater from Bioware Social for her excellent beta'ing skills, and help in tidying up the piece. Her skills are much appreciated for a newbie story writer such as myself. If you want to check out how a good writer does things - check out her stories here on fanfiction.

I must also mention MitisVenatrix and Widowspeak (LunaMax1214) both skilled writers and whose suggestions and encouragement make me happy to be part of this little corner of the ME universe.

Also - this is the first time I have attempted to write Thane, feedback on how I have interpreted his character is especially welcome.

Characters and settings are the property of Bioware, the story is my own.

* * *

"If you're going to use this thing, Shepard, you really need to know the mechanics of the piece intimately." Garrus' face was a mask of soberness. Thane looked on with a solemnity equalling that of the turian.

Shepard stood with her hands on her hips. It was taking her a great deal of effort to hide the smile that was about to break across her face.

"This is serious Shepard; are you going to take this seriously? Because if not, then I'm wasting my time…I've got other things I could be doing." He tilted his head questioningly.

"I am going to take this seriously, Garrus**.** When have you known me not to take things like this in anything but a stern and solemn manner? Besides, if you spend any more time calibrating, people are going to start asking questions…," she smirked.

"Asking questions about what, Shepard? I mean, if they are interested in calibrating the main weapons I would be more than happy to show them how I do it. Calibrating is something everyone on the ship should be familiar with. I know if I'm to make sure everything is in working order, I _have_ to calibrate at least once every day."

"So that means you calibrate more than once a day? Maybe several times a day?" She gave him a wide eyed look, he seemed to have no idea she was insinuating something other than firing algorithms.

"That's right, Shepard. Sometimes I can calibrate for hours on end and it's extremely satisfying." Garrus's chest puffed out with a measure of pride at this statement.

"I bet it is," she said before biting her tongue to stop herself from laughing. "I like a crew member who takes pride in their work."

"Ah, well, thank you, Commander, yes, um…," he said self-consciously. "Anyhow, where were we? Oh yes, you being serious. I know you _can_ be, in combat at least, and in diplomatic relations you are the epitome of sensitivity and political mastery. " Shepard had to put her fist to her mouth to put pressure on the urge to laugh.

"Don't forget that the Commander is very good at people management, Garrus. She's good with the subtleties needed for persuading those at her command. I think I heard Joker refer to her as a 'cunning linguist' when it came to the details of language barriers amongst her crew." Thane's voice resonated with unruffled serenity.

Shepard stifled her laugh with a forced pretend cough, patting her chest for emphasis. _I'm not the only cunning linguist on board by the sounds of __it,_ she thought. She was certain that when Joker said this to Thane, the Drell was as equally oblivious to the innuendo then, as he was now.

"As good as you are at those things, Shepard, you don't take instruction well…..and I've never seen you take any sort of training seriously, but just as with random errors in calibrations this might be the exception." The serious tone in Garrus'voice had not waned.

"Well, I have realised the error of my ways, Garrus. I will take tuition from you and Thane. And I promise to be very, very serious. Scout's honour." She held her right hand up as she spoke.

Garrus and Thane looked to each other, seemingly satisfied that their Commander was going to behave.

However, what the two alien crew members didn't see, was Shepard's left hand. It was currently concealed behind her back, her delicate fingers entwined. The universal human sign that nullified any promise being made. _Oh goody, _she thought, _this is going to be fun._

Shepard adopted a parade rest position in front of the alien crew members, plastering a grave look on her face in order to appear sincere in her efforts.

Garrus stepped forward, the M-92 Mantis sniper rifle in hand. "Here, feel the weight, Shepard." She moved forward, cradling the rifle in her small hands. It was heavy compared to her assault rifle, but not unwieldy.

"See how she rests in your hands." Garrus' eyes had a glint in them when he spoke.

"_She_?" Shepard's eyebrow rose inquisitively.

"Yes, _she_." His voice had a slightly annoyed tone so she refrained from commenting further.

"In a skilled embrace, she'llrespond to the most delicate of touches." Garrus' taloned hand moved to stroke the body of the gun.

"Yes, the amount of effort you put into fondling her correctly the better she will respond." Thane's dulcet tones mimicked Garrus' elation at the weapons handling.

As Shepard bit her lip, she wondered if these two put as much effort into foreplay as the words they were using to describe this piece of metal. If they did, then the beneficiary of those attentions would be a very lucky woman indeed.

"This weapon is powerful," Garrus stated.

"How powerful?"she asked

"_Very_ powerful. A single head-shot is all you need," Garrus replied, matter-of-factly. "However…there is a huge heat accumulation."

"How many can you get off?" Her face masked the obvious implications of her question. If the setting was other than here in the cargo bay, they would surely be on to her innuendo-laced remarks quicker than a hungry varren on a freeloading pyjack.

"Only one, but if you reload quickly enough and you aren't taking too long to shoot, it's easy to get another one off. But it's never as satisfying as the first." Garrus took the rifle from her hand, impervious to the grin on her face.

He replaced it with the M-97 Viper. "This weapon has sheer power and a rapid rate of fire, if you need to get more off, this is the weapon to choose."

"Get more off you say?" The grin turned into a smirk. "That sounds like you could possibly miss your target altogether Garrus, if you're too quick that is, and um… that might be less than fulfilling." _Less than fulfilling for whoever the target __is, _she thought wickedly.

"It does less damage, and is less accurate, but the spare clip gives you larger ammo capacity," hereplied.

"A second round then?"

"You can get at least 3 loads off," Garrus said.

Thane interjected at this point, "So whether you want slower and more powerful, or faster and more repetitions, it's all a matter of what your personal preference is. For me, the slower and more vigorous surge means you'll likely hit your target. I find this a much more gratifying outcome."

"Well if you can feather your shots, Thane, the weapon can inflict more damage." Garrus turned to Thane and moved his arm in a sideways piston like motion, "I like to go in hard and get off as many and as quickly as I can."

"Yes, I agree, Garrus. Feathering does make for more opportunities to hit your target, but I still like to get off on the first shot."

Shepard looked from Thane to Garrus, then back again. _Okay I've got a dirty mind but this is pure gold._

"If skilled enough, either way means the target is like a fish in barrel, as you humans like to say." Thane said.

"Or the target is a man in a boat?" she cheekily replied. _They've got to know that one_, but both of them stared at her blankly.

"No," Thane replied. "I think a man in a boat would be a hard target. What I'm implying is that the target is easy."

"Yes and over water it's difficult to judge the trajectory of the bullet. Moisture interacts with the firing of the mechanism," Garrus added.

Shepard's mouth was agape; she was amazed at how nonplussed these two looked. They appeared to have no idea on human euphemisms at all.

_There is so much more fun to be had __here, _she thought...then she grinned; a crazy somewhat unhinged grin.


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay next weapon, Shepard." Garrus placed the M-98 Widow Anti-Material Rifle in her hands.

"Where the others were powerful, this weapon is deadly," Thane stated.

"This was not a weapon designed for humans, Shepard," Garrus said. The weapon was heavy, probably more than half her weight, she guessed. Even this modified one would not be easy to use for either Garrus or Thane, and she felt dwarfed in its presence.

"A single shot is all you need to wrack any opponent." Garrus was stroking the barrel as he spoke. His eyes got that same strange glint in them that she witnessed before.

"One shot, one kill," Thane said.

She could have sworn a shiver went down the collective spines of both of them. "Would you two like to be alone with the five-fingered widow?" she said, hoping to get some sort of response at their obvious masturbatory reverence for the rifle.

"Five-fingered Widow?" Thane asked.

"Oh, just a term used by some Alliance Marines, in ah… reference… um…," she cleared her throat and looked downwards as she spoke, "to their…I mean to the weapon, in general, I mean…." She had to keep her head down lest they see that her smile was a mile wide.

Garrus removed the rifle from her hands, giving her a concerned look at her sudden lack of eloquence. "Okay, Shepard, as far as ammo, calibrating any of these rifles will allow increased effectiveness. A tungsten sheath will allow greater penetration without -"

At this point, Shepard interrupted with spluttering coughs, her best attempt at disguising the laughing fit she was trying hard to suppress until her sides ached. Garrus eyed her suspiciously, but continued, "A tungsten sheath will allow greater penetration without compromising precision."

She nodded her head giving him the most serious look she could muster.

"I'll hand over to Thane on positioning now." He waved his talon towards Thane's ever**-**patientpresence. Shepard rubbed her hands together in anticipation. "Positioning," would give her plenty of opportunity to keep playing this game.

"Now, Shepard, there are four ways for you to achieve the best position for firing." He paced with his hands behind his back as he spoke.

"The most accurate, is of course, the Bench Rest. This is the most stable platform for you to get your round off, but in most cases you are unlikely to have the luxury of having a bench with you."

"What about a _repos de guerrier_? That could be a mount for your gun." She tightened her lips, knowing that there was no way in hell he would know that _repos de guerrier _was an old French term for copulation with a soldier's wartime mistress, or in her dirty mind a very different sort of mount.

"I'm not familiar with that term Shepard. What is a _repos __de guerrier_?"

"Oh, it's just a term for a mount that um er… soldiers take into battle, a special sort of mount..." She gave both Thane and Garrus a stern glance to see if anything registered. Nothing. Her resolve was beginning to crack. This was too amusing not to be sharing with another human crew mate. If only she'd asked Zaeed along.

"Still," Thane replied, "I would say that it might not be practical unless it's fully attached to the gun, but it sounds cumbersome. How heavy is a _repos de guerrier_?"

"Oh, about, um, about my weight." She shifted her feet awkwardly her voice trailing off.

"That is hardly is practical," he replied.

"Yes, Thane, without a doubt, hardly practical." She wanted to add, "especially if she's wearing a whalebone corset," to her response but decided instead to hold her tongue.

"Let us continue, then."

She nodded, barely able to contain her joy at the progression of events. "Ahem. Yes. Let's."

"Ok. Next stance: standing," Thane's raspy voice continued. "Not really recommended and inaccurate compared to the other postures."

"So you actively discourage the idea of doing _it_ while standing?" She put the greatest emphasis on the third person neutral pronoun.

"Well, it's not the most favourable of positions. It can hinder effective movement; penetration of the target could be made difficult if you aren't positioned well. So, no, not recommended. Garrus, your thoughts?" They both turned to the turian, who now had lazily perched himself on top of one of the nearby crates.

"Yes, Garrus, what are your thoughts?" Shepard insisted, "Your thoughts on doing _it_ while standing, that is." Again, she placed the emphasis on 'it'.

"As Thane mentioned, the possibility of slipping out of an effective position is high. You can't always get the angle correct; any unusual reactions to external stimuli could influence the arc of your shot, meaning that you could be outside of the target zone all together," he answered unaffectedly.

Her thoughts were so tuned to the indecent interpretation of what both Thane and Garrus were saying that if they actually said something rude or lewd it would have sounded positively refined compared to what her own imagination was conjuring up. Again, she wished for another human crew mate to be in the room. One she could elbow and say, "Eh, eh," in a suggestive manner.

"However, if you stand against a surface, a wall say, you will be able to counteract any oscillations in your movements," Thane said thoughtfully.

"Against a wall, hey? A bit uncomfortable don't you think?" she replied provocatively.

"Well, not if you are positioned right. May I?" Thane gestured that he want to move Shepard into position.

"Ah, okay. As long as you aren't doing it just to cop one, Thane." Although she was quite happy at the thought of either of these two copping a feel, but the comment apparently went over his head.

Thane looked at her quizzically, "What do you have that I would want to steal, Shepard?"

Garrus added, "Thane is a trained assassin, not a thief, Shepard. I suspect you're confusing him with other crew members who have been known to do such things. "

Shepard snorted a response, "Not what I…. oh, it doesn't matter." She tapped her mouth with an open palm. _Must refrain from giving anything away_.

Thane motioned her to the closest wall. "Now feel yourself melding into the wall. It's a shaft."

A low guttural moan, just the hint of snicker, escaped her lips at this last comment. "A shaft?'

"For your back, Shepard, its aim is to steady you. Can you feel its stiffened surface helping you reach a pinnacle?"

Shepard let out an audible gulp, "The pinnacle of what Thane?"

"Of firmness, rigidity, hardness. Consider yourself no longer yielding or pliant. It should stop your restlessness and provide stability for your shot." His voice reverberated within her chest. "A good trick is to point your rifle up and as you bring it down breathe slowly at the same time, set yourself up for the target." He placed the rifle into her hands.

She let her gaze move along the barrel as she bought the rifle down to a targeting position. She was as stiff as a board and steady as a rock. She was beginning to understand what got these boys off. This was one sexy weapon.

Thane took the rifle from her, passing it to Garrus. She tried to stop herself from smiling too much. _Bugger it_, she thought. If they hadn't realised half of how indecent they sounded, they certainly wouldn't notice her grinning like an idiot. How much more of this could she take before she broke, she wasn't sure. What she did know was that once it happened she wouldn't be able to stop, she knew that much. Cracks were appearing in the dam wall. Which, if it broke, would flood the place with her raucous and unstoppable laughter.


	3. Chapter 3

"The next stance is crouching or kneeling," Thane said. "Again, not the most accurate of positions, but it is doable. Like the standing position, it's never a bad idea to have something at your back."

Garrus interjected, "If you sit with your foot laid sideways on the ground and bring your other knee towards your face you can use that same knee as a mount. Essentially, you are twisted around a bit. But you're pretty flexible, Shepard."

"Yes. Undeniably I am, Garrus. Very, very flexible… and I like that these positions, despite the fact you think them somewhat inaccurate, are demonstrably 'doable'. Yes, it's good to hear that all the positions can be used." Her voice was sassy in its tone.

"The final stance is prone, by far the most accurate for sniping. Wouldn't you agree, Garrus?" Thane asked. Garrus remained silent, simply nodding in agreement.

"Here, let's try." Thane grabbed a nearby gym mat. "The most common position is lying on your belly with your legs spread." She moved over to the mat as instructed, snickering under her breath as she lay down. Garrus passed the Mantis back to Thane, kicking Shepard's legs out slightly in the process.

"Ow! What was that for Garrus?" she yelped.

"Your legs weren't spread wide enough," he said.

"Oh, first time I've ever heard that before...," she let out a slight giggle. "You weren't just trying to get your leg over then." Garrus ignored her. Yet another euphemism going over the turian's head.

Thane stooped down jamming the rifle butt tightly into Shepard shoulder. "It's got to fit tight," she began giggling again before managing to partially bury her face into the mat. He overlooked her snickering and continued. She assumed he thought her giggles were a reaction to physical contact, and not to his words about it fitting tight, since no chastisement was forthcoming. "It will cut the recoil if it's held firmly in place."

"Also, watch your breathing. Nothing too heavy. If you can manage, hold your breath when you take the shot. If you bring yourself up to kneeling, same thing, have the gun jammed in tight and again, watch your breathing. Don't be too forceful on the exhalations." She moved to a kneeling position, holding the rifle in place.

"So, no heavy breathing, and don't blow if I'm prone or kneeling. Is that what you're saying Thane?" She glanced up at him from her kneeling position.

"Oh, no, that's not what I meant. You can either hold your breath, or you can also blow slowly to help steady your aim. Blowing in this position, or if you are prone, is a very good idea."

"That's good to know that Thane. Garrus, what are your thoughts on this? Should I hold my breath, or do you think I should blow?" The smirk returned and she gave Garrus a sideways glance.

"Either way Shepard. I usually hold my breath, but lots of people blow. Again it's down to personal preference. Kneeling does appear conducive to blowing." He crossed his arms and stood back, observing her keenly.

"Blow is the way to go then. I'm eager to keep blowing, I feel comfortable blowing, especially when I'm on my knees, and hey, it's even somewhat relaxing." She gave an exaggerated exhalation.

"Blow slow, Shepard, slow," Thane's voice said gently.

As Shepard began to blow, _Oh__ god _she thought _must not laugh, must hold the __line! My__ resolve, must keep __blowing. Slowly._

"Well, Commander, that covers some of the basics of handling the rifle, but we really need to review these techniques before finishing." Garrus's voice was still austere in its tone. He took the rifle from her hands as he spoke.

"Firstly, position is important. It changes from person to person. What might be a comfortable position for us," and he gestured to himself and Thane, "may actually be uncomfortable for you. The most common position is here." Garrus roughly shoved his hand into Shepard's shoulder.

She winced, "That was painful, Garrus."

"That is nothing compared to the recoil on the most powerful of sniper rifles, Shepard."

"So you're saying it's going to hurt?" A strangled snort ascended her throat.

"At first, yes, it always hurts at first. Especially if it's more that you can handle."

"Oh, I think I can 'handle' quite a lot Garrus." She crossed her arms as she spoke.

"The recoil mechanics mean that it can really slam into you, but then the more accustomed you are to the plunging motion, the more you will be able to anticipate the transfer and brace yourself in readiness. Once you've had the experience, then you will be it will be like riding a bicycle, you won't forget how to respond. Is that the correct analogy for this situation?" He gave her a quizzical look.

"Mmm. You could say that I am familiar with riding a bicycle Garrus; and yes. I guess, in these circumstances the analogy fits." Her tongue was becoming numb from the multitude of times she had had to bite it in the last hour.

"If that's too uncomfortable, then I can suggest resting the butt on your pectoral muscle Shepard." Thane moved, placing his hand on her right breast. "Here."

She looked down at where his hand was settled, then to his face. Not a trace of amusement, arousal, stimulation or anything other than his usual sedate expression. "The extra padding that human females have in this area may mitigate some of the force you might receive from the thrust of the butt." He proceeded to squeeze at the mention of extra padding.

She was almost at breaking point but nonchalantly replied, "I think I know the pectoral muscle, Thane. And yes, there is cushioning there, but for most human females, it's a little sensitive. A rifle butt ramming into it during recoil is not really something I want to experience."

"I apologise, Shepard. I had no idea that it was a sensitive area." He quickly removed his hand.

"It's okay, Thane. I understand that drell anatomy is somewhat different. I have mistakenly touched up aliens too. You must ask me about that hanar I met on Illium a while back. Try grabbing the wrong tentacle and you can only imagine…." She looked to watch his face, and then glanced over to see if Garrus was reacting. Thane said nothing, and Garrus appeared to be doing something to the rifle in his hand, paying no heed to what had just transpired or to her confession of touching up aliens. She continued undaunted, "Just consider this a free sample." But again this garnered no response from either of them. She was positively dumbfounded. She shook her head, moving her palm to her forehead, flabbergasted at their total lack of rejoinders.

Thane continued, unabated. "Now, Shepard, you must remember your breathing, it can affect the oscillation of the gun. Consider it part of learning to fire the rifle under stress."

"Um okay, what do you mean 'under stress?' Like in battle?" she asked.

Garrus stopped his attentions to the rifle. "Obviously, in this instance, you're not in a battle. One of things you can do to simulate a stress response is to really work up a sweat. Some sort of vigorous exercise, something to bring the heart rate up. Learn to shoot whilst your muscles are still trembling. I mean, there are obviously lots of things that can get your muscles trembling."

"Vigorous exercise outside of battle, like sparring perhaps, could really get your knees trembling I suspect." Her own muscles trembled with suppressed laughter. "Is this something you are familiar with, Garrus?"

"Intimately. When you think about it, most situations where my skills come in handy, my muscles are often shaky under stress. But I still manage to shoot straight, and the target is rarely ever missed," he declared.

"I have had the same experience, Shepard. In fact, it's rare that I go into situations and shoot my load without some intense knee trembling." Thane said.

Close, so close. The giggle, forming deep within her now was but a ripple on the surface of her lips. She shut her eyes and recited in her head, S_erious thoughts, serious thoughts, serious thoughts._When she opened them again, her face was relaxed, tranquil, and almost serene. A temporary state, she was sure.

"I think the final thing we need to consider here is the trigger pull, Garrus."

"Yes, I agree, Thane. You want to squeeze unhurriedly, ever so gently, at just the right moment. When your scope tells you that you are dead on the intended target. Then you can ever so softly pull the trigger, giving you release." Garrus's eyes seemed to roll back slightly at his description. When he returned from whatever ecstatic thought had gripped him, he continued, "Whatever you do, do not jerk the trigger. You can practice this restraint in dry firing."

She looked at both of them, "Is that anything like dry humping?" She was really at the edge now, her question reawakening the internally brewing giggle. She was sure the laughter behind her eyes was going to give her away.

"If dry humping involves not wasting ammunition," Garrus replied.

"Or not being startled by the thrust of the recoil," Thane added.

"Then, yes." Both Garrus' and Thane's voices chimed in in agreement.

Suppression had taken its final toll; a violent eruption, a pyroclastic cloud of laughter, so ferocious, emerged from the crater of her mouth. She bent forward holding her stomach, the spasms wracking through her. Her knees buckled, and she hunched forward, she rolled her head as the tears fell from her eyes like a great river was behind them. After a while, the paroxysm of movement slowed, she collapsed on the mat, lying in a foetal position, the occasional chortle emanating between heavy breaths.


	4. Chapter 4

Both the alien crew members looked at their commanding officer lying bunched up on the mat on the cargo bay floor.

"Shepard?" Thane asked.

"Shepard?" Garrus repeated.

She remained lying on the mat, not responding to either Garrus or Thane. Eventually she pulled herself up to standing and looked glassy eyed from one to the other. Their faces revealed nothing more than great concern.

"Ah, I think maybe I've had enough instruction for the day. Thank you, Garrus. Thank you, Thane. Your instruction has been...aahhh... most informative." She pulled on her tunic top, yanking down to straighten it and smoothing it over with the palms of her hands.

They both nodded to her and watched as she moved towards the cargo bay doors. She appeared as though in a drunken stupor, sniffing loudly as she went, the occasional snort escaping.

As the cargo bay doors closed behind her, Garrus and Thane looked at one another.

The edges of Thane's mouth began to curl upwards.

Garrus's mandibles twitched.

Within minutes of Shepard leaving, howls of amusement were coming from the two of them. The intense emanations of Shepard's previous exhibition paled in comparison to the riotous turian and drell laughter now echoing loudly around the cargo bay.

"I knew as soon as you said, 'cunning linguist,' she'd be up to no good. The look on her face said it all," Garrus said.

"I gathered the Commander would be up to something. But it wasn't till she mentioned the man in the boat I was certain of it! I may have been celibate for many years, but I am not unaware of the human female anatomy." He smiled at this.

"And when she mentioned the five-fingered widow I almost said, 'Don't your mean the _three talon widow_?' I was turian military, did she not realise we would have a similar euphemism?"

"If it wasn't for Joker giving us the heads up on her penchant for old French sayings I would never have known what _repos de guerrier_ meant. How many more euphemisms and innuendo did she let out? When she said she felt comfortable blowing on her knees - I'm known for my deadpan demeanour, but I almost slipped several times!"

"I'm not sure how many. I got the 'getting my leg over' and a few others...but Thane, Thane," Garrus snorted, his laughter returning "I almost lost it when you put your hand on her breast...I mean if I didn't have that rifle in my hand to draw my attention away... I... I would have lost it for sure!"

"If she had thought it was anything other than an innocent mistake, I'm sure I would have been lying on the mat with a boot on my neck," he conceded.

Garrus nodded in agreement. "I think it might be dangerous if she knew anything about what went on here. Don't you think?"

Thane moved to shake Garrus' hand and replied, "Yes, very dangerous. Then my friend, let us shake, it is agreed, she shall remain...,"

They spoke in unison, "Clueless."


End file.
